Slicker Than Ice
by MissNeonNightmares
Summary: Nothing is ordinary when the members of the state military of Amestris go out. Hughes, Mustang, Havoc, and Ed can't even have a simple cup of coffee without something running amuck.


The dim light in the room flickered overhead as the military men sat at a circular table and sipped on steaming mugs of coffee. There were four sets of eyes staring around the crowded room, one being of charcoal, another of amber, one of a forest green, and another of oceanic blue. Yes, Roy Mustang, Edward Elric, Maes Hughes, and Jean Havoc were enjoying a few relaxing cups of coffee at a small café in Central.

However, the situation was far from joyous and more awkward than anything. Roy had his head dangling back to some extent and his adam's apple bobbing lightly each time he sighed or swallowed. Havoc had his unlit cigarette idly dangling from his lips as he murmured a few muffled curses through it about how "the damned restaurant" wouldn't let him smoke indoors. Hughes had his rarely-seen serious expression plastered over his face, blowing at his black coffee before curling his lips around the edge of the off-white mug and sipping at it. Edward, on the other hand, looked like he was going to run out of patience and sprint out the door. His left eye was just slightly twitching, his teeth gritting as his arms were folded behind his head and his muddy combat boots were thrown atop the table. He had to wonder why he agreed to join the three men on this little outing until the words 'Roy's paying' came to mind. Ah, that was it. It was Mustang's money being spent, and any opportunity to have the colonel's money being wasted was alright with Mr. Elric.

"I know something that'll cheer us up!" Hughes cheered, his mug smacking against the table as he slammed it down, the liquid inside it teetering until some splatted against the wood. The ebony hairs which lined the man's jaw were perked up as if static electricity was running through his veins. His fingers gripped onto a brown leather wallet, opening it with a quick flip of the wrist, countless pictures tumbling out, all being of his wife and daughter. "Isn't she just the cutest little bundle of sunshine you've ever seen! I mean, just look at that smile! And those chubby little cheeks-"

"HUGHES!" all three of the military members shouted in unison, holding out their hands as if they were ready to tear out his hair.

The thirty-year-old man pouted his lip out, looking to the other three with the look of a disappointed five-year-old. "You guys are no fun…"

A sigh slid from Roy Mustang's lips as his dull, burnt charcoal eyes shifted to Edward, a smirk lighting up half of his face as his expression suddenly became smug. "So, FullMetal, any leads on the stone?"

A set of golden eyebrows furrowed together, frown lines deeply set into the blonde's forehead as his teeth grinded, nose wrinkling and his cheeks turning rosy with rage. His fingers gripped tighter around the handle of the mug as hard amber eyes glared to the colonel. "Just because the other lead was false!… Again… Does not mean you get to rub it in my face!" A white-gloved finger shot accusingly in the dark-haired man's direction.

Roy shrugged, an absent hand being held out. "Well, jeez, Ed, I was just curious. There's no need to flip a-"

"That's just your excuse for everything, isn't it? Well, F.Y.I. curiosity killed the cat!"

Roy couldn't help but let a few obnoxious snickers shake from his vocal chords, causing Edward to close his eyes in aggravation, his teeth grinding against each other. If a dentist were present, they would probably have gotten on his case about chipped molars, but, lucky for the alchemist, one was far from reach in the café. The colonel's gaze then shifted to the other blonde-headed member of the table. Havoc's eyes were distant, misty even as he stared into the distance, a dreamy glint sparkling in his eyes.

"Havoc?" Roy barked, earning Jean's attention as oceanic eyes rolled to him.

"Huh?"

"What are you staring at?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing," the man lied quickly, pink flashing over his cheeks.

"Nothing?" Mustang echoed, a dark brow lifting on the Flame Alchemist's face.

"Yep…" was all the man said before his blue eyes turned back to where ever he had been looking.

Following his gaze, a smirk lit up Roy's face, his own black irises landing upon a woman. Her hair was a bright red and curly, set in a messy bun on the back, yet also on the side, of her head. She was wearing a white blouse with ruffles where her cleavage was, a black button going from the neck down to where the ruffles ended. Along with it, she had a black pencil skirt that went all the way up to her slender waist, exaggerating the curve of her hips as her feet were tucked in a pair of black stilettoes. The woman's lips were a baby pink, hints of makeup on her waterlines and eyelashes.

Roy's eyes then set into Havoc's. There was silence for a long while until they both synchronized the word, "Dibs!"

Sighs came from Edward and Maes as they looked to the men bickering about who would end up getting the girl.

"You know I'm going to win, so you might as well give it up now!" Mustang started.

"Oh! You are so cocky! Did it ever occur to you that-!"

"Neither of you are gonna get her, so I'd give it up if I were you," Edward chuckled, folding his arms over his chest.

"And why do you say that?" Havoc inquired.

With a sigh, Ed hung his head before glancing to the girl. "Look at her. She's obviously looking for someone to flirt with, considering she's in a bar of a café alone."

"Exactly-" Mustang started.

"_But_, she's also independent. Look at the way she's dressed. Probably came from a business meeting or something. She's looking to get someone to flirt with her just so she can turn them down." With that, he victoriously sipped on his creamed and sugared coffee.

"Then you try it if you know so much about women."

Spit take. "Are you kidding? She looks, like, thirty!"

A smirk slid on the colonel's face. "And you look about ten. Looks can be deceiving."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' A RUNT SO SMALL THAT-"Thankfully, the screams then became muffled as Hughes clamped his hand over the adolescent's mouth.

"Then it's settled. Whoever gets the girl wins," Havoc declared, nodding his head.

"Then I'll make this quick," Roy announced, setting his hands on the table and standing.

"Maybe you can get yourself a wi-"

"Major, unless you want to become a human bonfire, I suggest you stop talking…"

The others watched closely as the man slid up to the woman, resting on a barstool next to her and looking to her with a smooth look in his eyes. He then cupped a hand to her ear and began to whisper something.

Meanwhile, Edward, Maes, and Jean were all shoving at each other to get a better view, muttering things like, "What's he saying?" and "Has anything happened yet?"

It wasn't long before a loud smack was heard and a certain colonel came back to the table with a red mark over his right cheek.

"You… You… Ahahahahahahaha!" Edward started, his hilarity echoing through the room as he ignored the looks people were giving him. "I! Told! You!" he managed between laughs, gasping for air.

Mustang kept a stoic expression, his jaw fitting in his hand. "It's just not my day."

"It's- It's not your week, co-"

A snap echoed through the walls as Ed blinked, eyes shifting only to find the edge of his hair on fire. "Gah! I swear to-"

"Edward! Hold still!" Hughes groaned, finally finding a spot where he could grab the boy's head. He then dipped it forward into his coffee, sighing in relief as the flame defused.

"Well, my turn," Havoc grinned, standing and adjusting his uniform over his shoulders. He then sat next to the red head, a thoughtful expression over his face as he something in her hand caught his eye. "Whatcha readin'?" he asked casually, leaning his elbow onto her shoulder.

"Pride and Prejudice," the woman replied bluntly, holding her head up a bit higher.

"So I see you're familiar with two sins." He then looked deeply into her crystal blue eyes. "How about a third?" He slid a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, flipping them open and hinting one toward her.

"We're not supposed to be smoking in here."

He looked over her for a moment before tilting his head slightly. "Then you picked the wrong outfit…"

"Ugh! You men are all pigs!" she stormed, pushing Havoc out of his chair as she held her briefcase defensively in hand.

"Okay! Okay! I'm leaving!" Havoc sprinted back to his table, staring at it with rosy cheeks.

"I told you so~!" Edward sang, enjoying this moment a tad more. "I'm glad I joined you guys."

"Alright! If you're so great, you go!" Roy growled, glaring to the teen.

"Fine," he shrugged with a snicker as he stood. "Lemme show you armatures what having big eyes and a young face can do for you." With that, he began walking forward, his fingers gripping over his elbow as he had a distant look in his eye, as if he were seeing everything around him for the first time.

After a short moment, he made himself trip over his own foot with a, "Uh!" as he fell onto the woman, causing her to spill coffee onto herself. "I am _so _sorry, Miss!" he started, pulling napkins from a nearby dispenser and setting them onto her lap. "I'm so clumsy," he said with a burdened tone to his voice.

"It's fine," the woman replied, clearing her throat and wiping whatever coffee was on her off as she gave the Elric a dazzling smile.

"Wait a minute!" Havoc started, his jaw dropping and his eyes wide. "Is he using-?"

"MOE!" Roy shrieked in outrage, completing Havoc's sentence as his own expression was mirroring Jean's.

Edward looked to the woman with sparkling golden eyes and an apologetic expression.

"It's no problem, really."

"Are you sure there isn't anything I can do to help?"

Still smiling, the woman bent down and set a finger on his nose. "What's your name?"

"Edward…"

"Well, Edward, it's been a pleasure meeting you today. Why don't you say we-"

Obviously, neither of the two noticed the boys sliding up behind the teenage boy until Roy tugged at the hood of his red coat, literally dragging him back to HQ. "C'mon, FullMetal, I have an assignment for you…"

Oh, he was in for it now.

* * *

><p><strong>This fic was so much fun to write! I hope you guys enjoyed it. I thought I'd have some fun with some humor while I have writer's block for SMHKB. I might do an angsty monolouge type thing for Edward while he's in automail surgery, but I will update SMHKB as soon as I get over my writer's block. Love you guys! Tell me what you thought!<strong>

**~MissNeonNightmares~**


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